So I’ve been fighting with posting this for some time now... this last year has been insane to say the least. It’s hard to find the good when so many obstacles have been thrown in our past. Before 2018 ended we got a new dog, Thunder. He was the sweetest, most loving dog we could have asked for. Sadly we had nothing but health issues with him from the time that we got him and a couple of months ago we had to put him down because he was too sick. This was extremely hard on all of us, especially the kids. Then, most of you who know me, know that I’ve been trying to be a surrogate for over 3 years now. Due to health issues I had when I was a child, Joel and I didn’t know if we would be able to have children of our own. Clearly it was in God’s plans to bless us with two beautiful Godly babies. After being blessed with Cam and Aria, I have been hoping and praying that I could bless someone with the gift of life. My kids are my entire world, I cannot imagine not having them, and more than anything I would love to bless someone with a child that is their own. For 3 years, I have been matched with couples and something has come along to mess up the match. First it was Zika virus, I wasn’t allowed to be a surrogate because I lived in the state of Florida. After that I was matched but the timing just wasn’t right. Then I was matched with an incredible couple of who I will leave unnamed, but their clinic said that I wasn’t the greatest candidate for surrogacy. Fast forward to a few months ago. I was matched with a sweet couple from New York. Everything was wonderful, we got along well... they are great. More than anything I wanted to gift them with a child. We went through the LONG process of health checks, psych evals, contracts and finally the transfer to find A POSITIVE pregnancy test. Well things just didn’t seem right... from the beginning it just didn’t seem like my other pregnancies... we thought maybe it was multiples. When going in for bloodwork my numbers were great. Next check, my numbers went down. They assumed I was having an early miscarriage. When I went in a third check my numbers went up again... hmm this was odd. They assumed maybe the machine just wasn’t accurate. Finally I went in for an ultrasound and you guessed it, no baby. Again, they assumed miscarriage and told me to go in to ensure that my numbers were going down as they had to be. Surprisingly they were continuing to rise which meant one thing, the baby was growing somewhere that it wasn’t supposed to. This was a TERRIBLE appointment. Hearing that there is a baby growing inside you that you want more than anything and it isn’t a viable pregnancy. I didn’t want to call the family and tell them, I wanted the doctor to. Thank God for an amazing friend that went with me or I don’t think I would have made it through this. After leaving the doctor I had to go to the hospital to pick up a shot to essentially abort the baby. I was already extremely emotional and then had to deal with the judgement of many eyes on me in the pharmacy because they all assumed I was aborting a child that I just didn’t want. After getting the shot (that I was informed would cause many side effects) I went home to trouble breathing, gasping for breath. That night I ended up in the ER due to the medicine only to find out that my numbers had gone up even more since the first check and the shot wasn’t working... Fast forward to a
couple of days later, me getting shot number two. Thankfully shot number 2 started to work. This was back in November. They said every Monday for the next couple of weeks to go get blood work done to ensure my numbers would go down. This has been a very long exhausting process. I hate it. The lady at Quest has become my friend, she knows my story. Life has been a struggle, it’s been one thing after another lately. Our dog getting sick and passing, the surrogacy not working out and having to go through this battle, some health things with our little girl, some friends dropping from our life because they didn’t care to stick around with everything we had going on, our car having problems, it would be easy to dwell on the negative. If you’re reading this far though you know that’s not me. I stopped blogging years ago because my mom got sick. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t find anything good in my life. I had my husband and two amazing kids but my best friend was dying and that’s all I could see. Now I know I have way too much good. We have struggles but together we make life work. I have an amazing family that is here everyday, good and bad. I have an awesome job with 16 littles that put a smile on my face each day. I have friends that we consider family. I am here and while I’m still waiting for my numbers to drop, to hear that this ectopic pregnancy has gone away completely, I will do it with a smile on my face. I so appreciate the thoughts and prayers of those of you who have known our story. I don’t tell all this for your sympathy. I tell it because it’s so easy to live in the dark, but so much more important to find the light in dark situations. I’m thankful for the light, for my family. Always find the light and live in it. Thanks for reading my ramblings 😉 ❤️
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